


nine or none (we’re gonna cross the finish line)

by jeetie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Family, I cried writing this, Nine or None, because that’s been my headspace, but it ends happily i swear, copious amounts, haha lots of angst, if you don’t cry i haven’t done my job correctly, lapslock, thank you for everything woojin, woojin’s departure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 01:21:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21227450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeetie/pseuds/jeetie
Summary: how would he spend his days, weeks, months, without the smiles, the laughs and the jokes of stray kids? how was he going to function in this new world, where he woke up in his own bed in his own room in his own home? where there was no falling into bed, lulled to sleep by the quiet breaths of his roommates? where there was no group cuddle piles on the couch, tangled in blankets and each other? where he didn’t wake up before his alarm, jolted from sleep by the sounds of yelling, sprinting to the living room in fear of a disaster only to find his members tickling each other on the floor?“i can’t stay.”





	nine or none (we’re gonna cross the finish line)

**Author's Note:**

> this was therapeutic. for optimal crying experience, i listened to grow up by stray kids and for the first time by the script while writing this.

“i can’t..” 

the words came from woojin’s lips heavier than any sentence he had ever uttered before. he was the oldest hyung, the voice of reason; it was his job to keep his members sane and sensible, to be the calm voice breaking through the chaos. 

sometimes that chaos was external. 

when, as trainees, jisung and hyunjin yelled loud enough to be heard outside the practice room, throwing hurtful words back and forth until woojin put his hand on their shoulders and silenced them both with one sentence. “we are nine for a reason.” 

when petty fights rose in the dorm. the pressures of debut got to everyone. sometimes the maknaes slacked on chores, causing the elders to get frustrated until a silly argument broke out. or when the hyung line got caught up in arranging choreography or writing lyrics and the younger members craved some sort of attention, resulting in huffing and sulking. throwaway phrases like,  _ “you don’t care,” _ or  _ “you’re so immature.” _ always, woojin was the one to remind them: they were a team. “we are nine for a reason.” 

and sometimes the chaos was internal. 

woojin had been the one to console chan after the eliminations, doing his best to banish chan’s thoughts that he hadn’t done enough. woojin was always the one to slip some extra food onto a tired member’s plate; coax them from the practice room in the early hours of the morning and back to the dorm; hug them through their bouts of homesickness. there wasn’t a single member in the dorm who hadn’t doubted themselves at some point, plagued by the idea of  _ not being good enough _ . woojin was always the one to remind them of their worth, that no one else could fill their place. “we are nine for a reason.” 

it was his job to defend his brothers against the chaos. maybe he was selfish for thinking what they’d do without him. but he was more worried about what  _ he _ would do without  _ them _ . how would he spend his days, weeks, months, without the smiles, the laughs and the jokes of stray kids? how was he going to function in this new world, where he woke up in his own bed in his own room in his own home? where there was no falling into bed, lulled to sleep by the quiet breaths of his roommates? where there was no group cuddle piles on the couch, tangled in blankets and each other? where he didn’t wake up before his alarm, jolted from sleep by the sounds of yelling, sprinting to the living room in fear of a disaster only to find his members tickling each other on the floor? 

“i can’t stay.”

but how could he leave?

how could he leave his  _ family _ , his  _ brothers _ , after how hard they worked to stay as nine? they were nine for a reason. 

and now they aren’t. 

the nine became eight. 

when he told the other members, the reaction was quiet. no one knew how to react. the practice room was silent, woojin’s eyes fixed on the floor as he wished to take back his words. wished to go back in time by months and change the events that led to this. he waited for the anger. the fury of  _ “how could you leave us?” _ he waited for the denial. the nervous laughter,  _ “that’s funny, hyung. it’s not april but that’s funny.”  _

a tear slid off his chin. it might have landed on his shoe, or on his shirt, or on the floor. his vision was too blurry with wetness to see. he couldn’t look up, too afraid of the hatred he would face. 

the eight moved towards him, closing the distance that should never have been between them in the first place. the hug was suffocating, too many hands and noses and chins, hair tickling his face and catching the tears that fell. he didn’t care. he felt like he would have collapsed if they weren’t holding him upright, the nine of them pushed together so tightly that he could feel the hitching breaths of one of the sobbing members. 

he was expecting questions.  _ how could you _ and  _ did jyp-nim kick you out _ and  _ why won’t you stay with us.  _

he wasn’t expecting jeongin’s wavering voice, “did we not do enough?”

woojin choked on a sob, bowing his head to bury his tearstained face in their maknae’s hair, feeling jeongin’s tears soak into his chest. “no, innie, no- don’t you ever think that. no one is to blame for this. my family needs me home… if i could stay, i would, i promise you all..” 

the next question was expected. a hoarse whisper from jisung, clinging to his back like he could physically keep woojin there in the practice room. “will you come back?”

“i don’t know.” that sentence was heavy too, almost heavier than ‘i can’t’. woojin was the one to assure the members that they  _ could _ because he  _ did _ know. now he was the one who couldn’t. now he was the one who didn’t know. “it’s not a hiatus. my contract is terminated. i don’t know how long i’ll be.” 

the hug tightened, squeezing the breath from woojin’s chest. he could feel jeongin’s nose digging into his sternum, hyunjin’s chin against one shoulder, minho’s vice-like grip on his right forearm. he could feel felix’s shuddering sobs against his ear, seungmin’s hands gripping his shirt, still a little damp from practicing the choreography for the comeback he was supposed to be a part of. he could feel jisung’s hair against the back of his neck, changbin pressed against his side. he could feel chan’s fingers entwined around his own. 

chan’s voice. “we’ll wait for you.” 

“we are nine for a reason.” 

—

it was a painful goodbye for all the members. they were given a few days without a schedule so they could spend time together, postponed the comeback and cancelled some events in case they wanted to go away. there were suggestions of going to woojin’s favourite restaurants all over seoul, or going to a theme park or ice skating to make as many memories as possible before nine officially became eight. 

they decided, instead, to spend their final few days together in their dorm. they took every duvet and pillow from the beds, moving them to the living room to pile onto the couch and floor, clinging to each other as if it could prevent the loss they were about to suffer. they watched movie after movie, tales of adventures and families that were always reunited in the end. 

and they survived the blow. they weathered the storm.

it took several days for anyone to go back to their rooms. they stayed in the living room, holding each other, too afraid they would lose a second brother. it took weeks for them to amend their choreography and lyrics to fill the hole of their missing member. it took months for them to stop crying at the smallest mention of woojin. 

and then a year passed. they had another comeback after levanter, which woojin congratulated them on through their groupchat. video calls weren’t the same, and they didn’t see him in person. 

it was like deja vu when chan called their attention in the practice room. nobody missed the way several members stiffened, immediately panicked because of the last time this had happened, plagued with memories of losing their oldest brother. 

until the door opened. 

“will you take me back?”

the eight stared at woojin in the doorway. 

“we promised we’d wait for you.”

the eight became nine. 

“we’re nine for a reason.”

—

_ “we’re smiling but we’re close to tears. even after all these years, we’ve just now got the feeling that we’re meeting for the first time.”  _

**Author's Note:**

> so yeah. there it is.


End file.
